Based on a true story.
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| A Journal Of Little Consequence Based on a true story. |
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Wednesday, April 30, 2003 In a cafe that was much larger inside than its exterior implied, M. asked me if I had ever considered making pornographic films. Presently, the topic of self-control versus spontaneity came up, which led to my purchasing a number of luxury items that I had been considering buying for some time (years, actually), in an attempt to counteract my procrastinatory tendencies when it comes to spending money. posted by grover | Wednesday, April 30, 2003 Tuesday, April 29, 2003 In a not entirely alert condition after the previous night's lack of sleep, I winced on a number of occasions at the thought of how my biggest fears about the day before had come true. Having overly strong expectations, whether they be good or bad, is not the most healthy attitude to have. They can colour our judgement, and place connotations on events that invoke either disappointment or confirmation of fears. Sometimes, rather than trying to extract deep levels of meaning from an affecting incident, it may be better to simply say: "It is what it is." I had mild expectations that meeting D. for lunch would help me to reaffirm my faith in people a little (this it did, although had it not, I don't think I would have been crushed). I recounted to her, as I have done to a number of the people mentioned in this journal, what I had written about her. My life is starting to reflect my diary, rather than the other way around. posted by grover | Tuesday, April 29, 2003 Monday, April 28, 2003 On the occasion of my thirtieth birthday, friends from disparate parts of my life drifted in and out of the drinking den where I supped on fruit juices and nibbled peanuts coated in some foul chemical. Despite the challenges of handling such colliding worlds, it is quite rewarding in a way to have one's fingers in various pies, whether in terms of social circles, or interests in general. Exposing yourself to heterogeneous environments can help you to explore different facets of yourself. I would prefer to avoid developing a number of wildly divergent personae, although it is rather fun to have sides of yourself that certain people you know have no knowledge of. As is often the case, I am writing this in the future. I will decide to delete what I originally wrote about this day. Suffice it to say that I will still be awake two hours before I am due to get up for work, mulling over the day's events. posted by grover | Monday, April 28, 2003 Sunday, April 27, 2003 A small, spiny fish with astonishing sparkling blue eyes followed Z.'s finger as she traced it along the glass of the aquarium. Later, her own blue eyes, which have a dark ring round the iris, filled with tears for a moment as she comtemplated a regret. I chose to say nothing. It passed, and soon our thoughts were elsewhere. I'm glad a spell of morbidity did not ensue. I'm glad she shared that moment. posted by grover | Sunday, April 27, 2003 Saturday, April 26, 2003 As I stood in a white, white room, I thought how very white the light was that streamed in through the skylight. I love daylight. Looking up, I saw that the skylight was a dark blue. The sun had set, and I had mistaken a very bright fluorescent light for daylight. I have always thought of fluorescent light as my least favourite sort of illumination. Revisiting some video footage captured a lifetime ago for an unfinshed film, I received comments that one of the featured actresses was exceptionally pleasant to look at. Thinking back, almost every man to whom I have shown this material has said something to that effect. I looked at the images I had taken again. What were their eyes beholding that I was missing? The camera may help you to "see yourself as others see you". Here, it was allowing me to see someone else as I see myself at times, as perhaps you see yourself. If you picture yourself as grey and rather uninteresting, perhaps your set needs some adjustment. Either that, or you have a black and white television. posted by grover | Saturday, April 26, 2003 (Friday's entry) Having spent an evening with friends who became increasingly inebriated, whilst I remained as sober as ever, I am considering the historic reasons for my avoidance of psychotropic agents. I think I was afraid of unlocking an undesirable side of myself, something that seems less significant as my sense of self-esteem has grown. The effect of alcohol on my companions was to amplify tendencies that were already apparent in sobriety, rather than to cause a complete change in character. The general level of affection increased, something that in the past I might have interpreted as false and "chemically induced". However, I now found myself able to enjoy this, presumably due to an increase in the amount of faith I have in people. Nonetheless, I shall remain free of mind-altering substances for the time being, bar the occasional helping of cheese before bedtime. After a number of drinks, D.'s ever-present aura of sexuality came even more to the fore as she rushed excitedly to point out a rubber outfit in a shop window display to the group that she had stopped to look at earlier in a slightly more discreet manner. I had had certain suspicions about her lifestyle for a while, and had already informed her that I had no intention of becoming her "gimp". My continuing temperance should ensure that I do not awaken in a cramped, dark space with only the whiff of tannins for company. posted by grover | Saturday, April 26, 2003 Friday, April 25, 2003 (Thursday's entry) Just as things were slipping horribly out of place on a project, a string of opportunities have arisen lately that may yet rescue it, or at least provide alternatives. One of these can be traced back to an extraordinary coincidence that literally dropped an old acquaintance back into my life, who today expressed an interest in meeting to discuss this beleaguered enterprise. On further examination, these recent windfalls, which at first seem to be in the lap of the gods, were more than the products of pure chance. In each case, somewhere along the chains of events that led to them, a positive response to choices that may not have seemed signifcant at the time was required in order to give fate a helping hand. Whilst in some cases it is possible to see that there may be some payback from a situation, I believe that it is important not to allow this to become an overly large consideration; indeed, it may be better to forget about such end gains, which may take a considerable amount of time to materialise, if they ever do at all. The more you put into life, it seems, the more you get out of it. The act of making such an effort may in itself be the reward; the experience of travelling a path, whatever the destination, can make the journey worthwhile. posted by grover | Friday, April 25, 2003 Thursday, April 24, 2003 (Wednesday night's entry) A colleague asked the reason that I was not yet married. As I do not work in an environment where marriages and mortgages are considered to be the norm, this piqued my interest, especially as a number of other people have said that I was the "marrying kind", which sounds terribly dull, and hardly concurs with my self-image, or at least with my desired image of myself. Just the previous night, I had been discussing with another colleague, somewhat facetiously, yet sincerely, how people in our profession had made a lifestyle choice that was not particularly compatible with marriage. An equal number of people have described me as being a kind of "asexual uncle" figure, never a pleasant thing to hear. Ironically, the idea of asexuality tallies quite well with the idea of marriage, at least on a surface level. Marriage is more about domesticity and practicalities than passion, not that that's an inherently bad thing. After all, romantic love is tremendously overrated. Nonetheless, it would be nice to taste a little of the excitement that life has to offer before falling squarely into a life of stability and responsibility, which is what my colleague said that I would be well suited for. I shall try to take this as a compliment. I shall also purchase some tight jeans, and possibly some aphrodisiac potions, in an attempt to stave off my burgeoning avuncularity. posted by grover | Thursday, April 24, 2003 Wednesday, April 23, 2003 (Tuesday's entry) As often happens, a heartfelt conversation with M. was cut short by the appearance of other people on the scene, at which point his carefully studied "persona" came back into play. Whilst I am flattered that he considers me to be someone to whom he can open up, I sometimes wish that he would not place such a barrier between himself and the world at large, which leads to him being perceived as some sort of bizarre, cartoon-like character. Still, it is his choice. posted by grover | Wednesday, April 23, 2003 Monday, April 21, 2003 Repeated exposure to a fear is a long established method for removing that fear. However, insight and action are also required. A particular acquaintance of mine has always intimidated me somewhat, and after speaking to him, I wondered why this was still the case after a number of years. I had thought about this before, and produced an answer, a simple enough insight. However, I had been neglecting to act upon that insight, to keep it in mind, and to use it to change my attitude. So I had forgotten it. Even if we experience some sort of revelation about something, if we don't put it into practice, we slip back into our old ignorant ways, in much the same way that our muscles deteriorate without excercise. As I sat in the garden in the interests of getting some fresh air, my cousin informed me that she could smell gas. Later, we considered the impracticalities, and indeed the potentially lethal consequences, of wearing glass slippers, as featured in the well-known fairy tale. Wouldn't they steam up on the inside? posted by grover | Monday, April 21, 2003 Sunday, April 20, 2003 Happy Easter, one and all! My cousin has recently bought herself several outsized versions of those chocolate eggs with a toy inside. Apart from being heavily overpriced, the "giant-sized" prizes held within seem to have a considerably lower play value than their miniature counterparts, which are found inside the standard-sized eggs. Small is indeed beautiful. A case in point: ladybirds are lovely little creatures, but imagine one the size of a football. Well, you'd run a mile, wouldn't you? posted by grover | Sunday, April 20, 2003 Saturday, April 19, 2003 (Saturday's entry) After viewing video footage of myself from a decade ago, I was looking forward to meeting J., as she had called whilst on her own at work to inquire of my whereabouts that day. However, when I called in the evening to say that my business for the day was done, she no longer wished to meet. Somewhat crestfallen, it occurred to me that she had merely called because she was bored and wanted some company at that moment, for want of something better to do. Then again, I thought, what a bonus in life it was for my company to be desired at all, even if it did not have a particularly high priority. Two different ways to look at precisely the same event, one soul-destroying, the other salubrious. Deciding upon the latter, I smiled as I sat on the bus on my way to meet my friend B. Seeing him had not been my first choice in a technical sense, but to say that it was "second" choice or a "fallback" would do it an injustice, as it was something that I did want to do, and wanting to meet J. that night did not diminish the friendship I had with B. If we let go of the need to be needed, it ironically becomes easier to accept affection from other people, and ideas of the degree to which you are loved increasingly lose their relevance. The less you need love from others, the more you can give it away and to yourself. I met B. at a concert featuring a masked woman on a leash crawling around on all fours on the stage. I presume that she was part of the show, although it is possible that she was an over-excited audience member, in which case security at the venue could do with some improvement. posted by grover | Saturday, April 19, 2003 (Friday's entry) I attempted to purchase a meal at a fast-food chain restaurant. After negative responses to two drinks requests, I was ultimately refused any service at all, on the basis that I had no money. Surely an example of corporate greed at its worst. A homeless man asked me to "cheer up". In the past, I have always found this kind of rather simplistic advice to be of little use. However, on later reflection, I did appreciate the sentiment. posted by grover | Saturday, April 19, 2003 Friday, April 18, 2003 (Thursday's entry) After many foiled attempts, a long-awaited meeting with an attractive female friend was curtailed somewhat by circumstances. After the preceding day's lunchtime excursion, I was still feeling a little unsure of myself, though I managed to deal with difficult moments somewhat better. A late-night shopping trip with C., to whom I am not attracted, was still more relaxed. Despite the urge to couch these rather minor episodes in terms of trauma and gradual recovery, I believe that a lack of sleep may be a larger factor in my recent experiences than I had previously thought. The answer to problems that appear to have deep-rooted psychological causes may lie in a solid night's rest. A conversation with M. about possible ways to pull oneself from a negative frame of mind culminated in my divining, with almost psychic insight, his membership of The Magic Circle. posted by grover | Friday, April 18, 2003 Wednesday, April 16, 2003 At a lunchtime meeting with J., we resorted to discussing the weather. It seemed at the time that it would be easier to talk to almost anyone else in the world. Pondering this episode, I realised that I had had an irrational feeling that the meeting would be awkward from the moment I arranged it, and that this had filtered my experience of it, down to the taste of the food I was eating. The prophecy had fulfilled itself. I may not have had any control over factors such as J. being rather tired then (as we both were), which might explain her unreponsiveness, but I did have control over my own response to the situation. I had made the choice to feel anxious, alienated and melancholy. Heading home that evening, I chose to breathe in the atmosphere of spring and smile. posted by grover | Wednesday, April 16, 2003 Tuesday, April 15, 2003 I discussed what to write in today's entry with my cousin. She smiled as she made her suggestions. posted by grover | Tuesday, April 15, 2003 (Monday's entry) At J.'s request we paused on a bridge to take in the view of the river flowing through the city at night. I have stopped to do this countless times on my own. The sight of the low skyline, with the expanse of sky above and the wide, choppy waters below, whether seen in the clear brightness of day or punctuated by coloured lights and reflections at night, is something that I still treasure after a lifetime of looking at it. As J. began to wax lyrical about the cityscape, rather than basking in a glow of contemplation about how wonderful it was to be sharing this moment with someone I loved, I decided to rib her with flippant jokes about what she was saying. After all, she was right there with me. posted by grover | Tuesday, April 15, 2003 (Sunday's entry) Waiting for a table for one in a restaurant, I asked that I be seated before an attractive woman who had come in after me, also on her own, but whom was being shown to a table before me. It may have been more gentlemanly to let her be seated first, or smarter to suggest that we share a table. What is for certain is that I enjoyed both the meal and the surroundings. posted by grover | Tuesday, April 15, 2003 Saturday, April 12, 2003 (Saturday's entry) I was pleasantly surprised to reap the rewards of small seeds of affection that I had sown previously. A word here, a gesture there, seem like such small things to give away, yet when they come back to you, they can mean so much. On the roof, I found myself unable to switch on a powerful magnetic field for want of a key. posted by grover | Saturday, April 12, 2003 Friday, April 11, 2003 (Friday's entry, written just after midnight) I was given the task of doing some work for a woman from an advertising agency, always my least favourite sort of client. And indeed, she seemed to me to be a typical example of a person working in that field, humourless and with an overly inflated sense of the importance of her work. However, I resolved to be "nice", and did all that I could to accommodate her. Service was given with a smile, and I sang and hummed whilst working. Just when I thought that my face would seize up if I kept that inane grin on for any longer, I realised that the job was becoming easier. My client seemed somewhat more relaxed, my prejudicial and ill-founded feelings towards her faded, and I actually started to enjoy what I was doing. "It was a pleasure," I beamed, as I showed her out of the door some time later, and I meant it. posted by grover | Friday, April 11, 2003 Thursday, April 10, 2003 Having spent five and half hours of the previous day in transit, I elected to spend the day in a more sedentary manner, and remained indoors, taking care of some outstanding tasks. However, despite the fact that the majority of (indeed, all) household accidents occur within the home, as the day wore on I found the day to be somewhat lacking in excitement. Try as I might, I was unable to invoke a sense of danger at the thought that a bookshelf might collapse on me, or that the boiler might explode. Eventually, I managed to increase the level of stimulation by actively taking a risk. I made a couple of calls that I had been putting off to people that I was intimidated to call. Small though this risk was, I felt a little more alive for taking it. I shall try to follow some advice I read recently, and take some sort of risk each day. For tomorrow's risk, I am currently vacillating between eating a yoghurt that is past its expiry date, or standing on the train without holding onto anything. posted by grover | Thursday, April 10, 2003 Wednesday, April 09, 2003 I was tempted to pet a labrador that sat next to me on the bus. Fortunately, the smell of its fur reached my nostrils before I was able to do so. The dog's owner was nuzzling her face to it and kissing it on the mouth. Truly, love is in the nose of the beholder. posted by grover | Wednesday, April 09, 2003 Tuesday, April 08, 2003 Ordering a large and somewhat posh sandwich in a cafe, I asked how much it would cost. The man behind the counter kept insisting that I "don't worry about it." I was confused, but I let it lie, as he said it with such good humour. When the time came to leave and pay, he refused to take my money. Other than the two people with whom I dined at the above cafe, I ran separately into five people that I knew in the street. This pleasant experience was in sharp contrast to the weekend, when I had great difficulty contacting anyone I knew. That was considerably less pleasant, but the pangs of loneliness and boredom passed. Let's not mistake disappointments, minor or otherwise, for a ceaseless pattern of defeat. We may not have a right for good things to happen to us, but when small windfalls and beautiful moments do come our way, it might be an idea to appreciate them for what they are. No more, certainly, but no less, either. I instructed a colleague on a technique for making cheese on toast in a microwave oven without vulcanising the toast. Absorbent paper is the secret key to success. posted by grover | Tuesday, April 08, 2003 Monday, April 07, 2003 Time seems to drag on when you're doing nothing at that time. Such wasted time doesn't seem long in retrospect though, whereas a period of time in which you do a great deal goes by quickly, but can seem longer in hindsight. I took a slightly shorter walk than usual during my lunch break from work, yet it seemed like hours had gone by when I got back, thanks to the variety of activities I undertook. Then again, there was the additional factor that I had spent the thirty minutes before my lunch break actually started eating my lunch. Yes, that was probably it. (The above was written on Monday, but published on Tuesday, just after the stroke of midnight. Time, that old tortoise, triumphed over my hare-like haste yet again. I have considered taking a different animal as my role model, but I've grown attached to the buck teeth and the 360-degree field of vision.) posted by grover | Monday, April 07, 2003 Sunday, April 06, 2003 Upon ending a telephone conversation with J., I did not hang up as soon as I usually do, having recently acquired a new telephone with which I am unfamiliar. Whilst fumbling with it, I heard her mutter the word "Beautiful" just before she hung up. posted by grover | Sunday, April 06, 2003 |
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