A Journal Of Little Consequence Based on a true story.

Sunday, November 30, 2003   I received an e-mail informing me that a profile I had posted on an internet personals service had been removed, for having overly sexual content. It wasn't pornographic so much as suggestively erotic, I thought. In any case, this is a novel and rather amusing experience for me, being seen as too sexual. I wonder if my actual existence will catch up with this perception. Meanwhile, I will try to tone down my profile, although I do seem to have trouble with moderation in some areas. posted by grover | Sunday, November 30, 2003 Saturday, November 29, 2003   I felt privileged to have been invited to a small gathering to say farewell to J.(a) and his new bride, who are going to be moving abroad. Therefore, I made the effort to make the quite sizable trip across the city to attend, despite still feeling rather unwell after a week of illness. Almost immediately upon my arrival, J.(a)'s wife started quizzing me about the identity of a woman, a fellow wedding guest at J.(a)'s recent marriage ceremony, whom I am hoping to cultivate physical relations with. I had excitedly told J.(a) about this over the telephone, not anticipating that he would broadcast the fact to the world. After I had mumbled something about how "nothing had happened", and successfully changed the subject, a second round of questioning ensued. This came from a female guest whom I had thought was attractive when I had arrived at the gathering. However, I felt that any chance I would have had with initiating a flirtation with her was dashed when the words "So... about this girl..." emanated from J.(a)'s wife's lips. In addition, I rather went off the woman when I discovered that she had been a journalist for one of the nation's sleaziest tabloid papers. Despite this newshound pedigree, she was unable to pry any more information from me. Later, J.(a)'s wife correctly deduced who the woman I had met at her wedding was. J.(a) said that he would swear her to secrecy. It's rather cynical, I know, but I take this to mean that it is now only a matter of time before the object of my desires hears that I think "she's really hot" or some such adolescent tripe, and the game will be brought to a premature end. Still, the upside is that I know whom to go to should there be any rumours that I actually wish to spread. posted by grover | Saturday, November 29, 2003 Monday, November 24, 2003   I was in something of a funk after my meeting with J. at the weekend. I felt regret at the idea that we had been interested in one another, and had both managed to make such a mess of the situation that nothing had come of it. Now, as J. had put it, we were firmly in the "friend zone" (though "friendship" hardly seems adequate to describe my feelings for J.; however, I believe that many of her relationships with people are as intense). Then again, at the time when I had thought she was attracted to me (correctly, as it turned out), I had been really quite uncomfortable with the idea, and not just for reasons of low self-esteem. In particular, I remember talking to J.(a) about J., and expressing how I did not really want a relationship with her, but that I might pursue one anyway, just for the practice. J.(a) had told me that he did not think that this was a very good idea. Of course, when my feelings for J. deepened, and I expressed this to her, this would have killed any attraction she had for me. I was in love with her for approximately ten days, at the end of which I told her that this was case, after which, these feelings almost immediately started to dissipate, a quite revelatory experience. I experienced a certain amount of pain at around this time, but even then, J. was not an object of lust for me. The past two weeks had almost been a repeat of this in microcosm. I had thought that J. was once again interested in me sexually, and had extremely mixed feelings about it, finding it flattering and exciting in one way, but quite disturbing in another, to the extent of almost wanting to avoid J. Then, once this was discovered to not be the case, I was actually disappointed. It hardly takes a trained psychologist to see that this was a case of wanting only that which I could not have. I decided to count my blessings. After all, if I could be attractive to someone like J., who fits into the mould of what society calls "beautiful" (I find her beautiful too, but in a much deeper way), and to someone like Z., whom I personally find exceptionally desirable, even though she may not have the look that is currently fashionable on continental catwalks*, then I may have some hope in the sexual arena. And it's wonderful to have J. in my life in any capacity. *come to think of it, she should be seen on the catwalks. I wonder if she would do some photographic modelling for me, although clothes would not be the most important thing. Indeed, I would hope to exclude them altogether. posted by grover | Monday, November 24, 2003 Saturday, November 22, 2003   I was reluctant to turn on my telephone, and when I did, some time after noon, there was a message waiting from J., asking if I wanted to meet for lunch. I called her and said something about not being able to get out, and could we meet the next day. J. said that she might be able to fit in a meeting between two others. Good god, I thought to myself later, is there any length I won't go to in order to avoid sex? Later still, J. called again and asked if she could convince me to change my mind and meet that night after all. This time, I agreed, and said that I would call when I had finished work. This I did, saying that I would meet J. at her home. She explained that she was just going out, and we agreed to go to a bar instead. At this moment, everything became a great deal clearer to me. On one level, I had made a misjudgement; J. had not suddenly become attracted to me because of my unavailablity. On the other hand, my sense of unease about the situation as I had perceived it had been well-founded. We talked for a long while about the history of our relationship. I explained to J. how much her denial of her one-time attraction to me had hurt me. She said that I had hidden it very well. She also said that she remembered trying to retract her denial on a previous occasion, but that I had misunderstood her, as I have no recollection of this. I also told her that when I had eventually found out, I had thought of telling her that she owed me some sex, but had decided against this as it would effectively been rewarding her for what she had done (of course, I neglected to mention that I had, until a short while before, been under the impression that there was a possibility of sex between us). J. expressed surprise at my venom. She said that she was glad that what had happened had not spoiled our friendship. I replied that it was early days yet, and that I still might have my revenge. J. advised me to "keep my eyes open" in future. As I sat on the train on my way home, smiling as I reflected upon the evening just passed, I felt a twinge of something. I was missing J. already. Dammit, I thought, now what? posted by grover | Saturday, November 22, 2003 Friday, November 21, 2003   Exhausted, having not slept well the previous night, I slipped away from work a little early and headed straight home. I had intended to meet with some colleagues, having just discovered that they regularly met socially on Friday evenings. Due to the long hours we work, the department I am in tends to get forgotten at such gatherings. J. had also expressed an interest in meeting. Shortly after I got home, J. called. She seemed almost distressed that I had not called her. I did not manage to successfully communicate that I was already at home, and she tried to convince me to meet her "even for a little while". I said that we could meet at the weekend, which J. mumblingly agreed to. After the conversation, which I had to forcibly end, I felt a little shaken. My instincts were still telling me that this behaviour had a sexual element, but something was also telling me that sleeping with J. would not be the right thing to do. Still, I thought, if the opportunity was there, I ought to take it. I decided that if I was going to be going to bed with J., I ought to wear my underwear with the non-perished waistband. posted by grover | Friday, November 21, 2003 Thursday, November 20, 2003   Just as I was mentally planning this diary entry, J. telephoned for the second time today, totalling six calls in the last three days. As is her wont, she talked about the various men she is pursuing. She has been calling a great deal since I informed her of the non-viability of sexual relations between us, and my instincts are that the two things are related. Of course, if I asked her explicitly, denial would be the response, and indeed I can see that it is quite possible that there is an alternate explanation. However, although I frequently make decisions based on intellect rather than instinct, it is almost always the latter that, in retrospect, was right in the first instance. I am inclined to explore this situation further, to see the results of "following my nose" and trusting my instincts. posted by grover | Thursday, November 20, 2003 Tuesday, November 18, 2003   I bought a hot dog at the cinema for the first time. I do not intend to repeat this action. posted by grover | Tuesday, November 18, 2003   As I was eating my lunch, J. called to tell me that she was not in the mood to meet that evening. I told her that that was a shame, as I had been intending to give her the things that I had bought for her in Amsterdam. She asked me if what I had bought was "kinky" in nature. posted by grover | Tuesday, November 18, 2003 Sunday, November 16, 2003   J. told me over the telephone that she had signed up for an internet personals service, and gave me the details necessary to log into her account. As she did not have internet access at home, I read out some of the replies that she had received. I also told her that she had blown her chances with me, owing to her earlier transgression, to which she responded "I know". Was she being sarcastic? posted by grover | Sunday, November 16, 2003 Thursday, November 13, 2003   I believe that I saw a dead body in the park. Whether it was male or female I was unsure. I decided not to take any action; I was in a strange country, and whether the person was dead or, as was possible, in some sort of drug-induced stupor, intervening would not really help them. I really didn't want to get involved. Other people, like myself, noted the rigid body splayed out on the bench, and moved along. The park was full of activity. Children played, dogs scampered around, a young woman was as enthralled as I by the birds flying about. I should have spoken to her. It was only later that the thought occurred to me that the person on the bench, who was clutching a still-smoking cigarette, might still have been alive and in need of some medical aid. I had looked fairly closely, however, and could detect no sign of life in their unnaturally half-closed eyes. I had always thought that I would be more or less unaffected by an experience such as this, and this was indeed the case. posted by grover | Thursday, November 13, 2003   I purchased a clitoral stimulator disguised as a lipstick for J. I had seen one like it some months before, and had been most taken with it. As it would have been of little use to me, I thought that the logical thing to do would be to buy one for a female friend. However, N.(a) had warned me that to do so would be to introduce an uncomfortable sexual element into the friendship, something that I had suspected might be so. Recent events had rendered this point quite irrelevant in the case of my relationship with J., so I no longer felt inhibited about it. I hope she likes it. posted by grover | Thursday, November 13, 2003 Tuesday, November 11, 2003   I booked a ticket on a flight to Amsterdam departing the next morning, the idea having been suggested to me by a number of people over the last week. posted by grover | Tuesday, November 11, 2003 Sunday, November 09, 2003   (Saturday's entry) I went to J.(a)'s wedding, the first event of its kind that I had ever attended. As usual, I declined to bring a guest. It was a long and wonderful day, even though I didn't speak to J.(a) a much as I would have liked. It was my own fault for allowing myself to be drawn away by his two sisters in the evening. We had barely spoken in the past, but years had passed since I had last seen them, and the conversation flowed freely. I was genuinely surprised to discover that they were both in heterosexual relationships. I don't know what it says about me and my environment, but I actually expect the women I meet to be lesbians and/or heavy drug users. I managed to force myself onto the dancefloor for one song (with a little encouragement from J.(a)'s youngest sister), which is at least a small step in the right direction, even though I started feeling awkward and ran out of steam about thirty seconds later. On my way home, I reflected on how I did not feel as if the day had been a major achievement, as I had done in the past when attending social events. The lack of such a "high", was, I believe, indicative of a shift in the baseline of my expectations rather than of a lack of enjoyment of the event itself. I am becoming more accustomed to enjoying social gatherings, rather than seeing any amount of enjoyment as a bonus to simply being able to get through them. --------o-------- After midnight, J. sent me a message expressing a wish to talk. When I called, it transpired that she had wanted to speak to me the day before about a malaise that she was going through, but had not done so because of my "sprightly" demeanour. We spoke for quite a while about what was on her mind, and, just as the conversation was coming to an end, I mentioned something in passing that led to the discussion carrying on for as much time again. During this second half of the conversation, a number of things came to light. For my part, I informed J. that I knew precisely what was going on with the harem of doting men that she kept in reserve, even if she did not, and that I was having no part of it. I also revealed that Z. was the woman whom I had been lusting after. It wasn't necessary to do so, and on some level I may have destroyed some air of mystery that may have hung around her identity. In retrospect, I think the reason I wanted to tell J. about Z. was so that I could share specific details of my carnal feelings with her. I repeated an inquiry that I had made before in the distant past, regarding J.'s tactile behaviour towards me during the initial few months after we had first met as colleagues. Back then, I had been convinced that she was attracted to me. That was a time of particularly steep progress for me, and, I reasoned, if such an attractive woman as J. could be interested in me, it was only a matter of time before I would start enjoying some sort of active sex life. This hope had been dashed when J. made it clear to me that things like her spontaneously caressing, hugging and even kissing me on the cheek when I left work for the day were not a sign of attraction. She was just a highly affectionate person. How could I have been so vain and foolish, I had thought. I had never been an object of desire before, why should I be one now? I was, as I had always known, destined for an outwardly asexual existence. Since that time, many months ago, I have enjoyed the female attention I have received, but taken it with a pinch of salt. They were probably being friendly, in that charming way that females are, or, if things took a more sexual turn, it was most likely just a joke. After all, this was me. I just couldn't understand it. J.'s descriptions of her flirtatious behaviour towards those to whom she was attracted (seemingly every male and female on the planet other than myself) seemed to correspond with that which she had displayed towards me. How was I different? J. tried to change the subject, but I saw through the attempt, and forced the issue. J. confessed that she had lied about not being attracted to me, and that the affection she had shown me had been flirting of an "outrageous" magnitude. Apparently, she had been embarrassed to admit it when I had confronted her about it before, which surprised me, as I think of her as being particularly brazen and bold about sex. I berated her for the way this untruth had affected me, though looking at it rationally, it wasn't really her fault. What she said had served to reinforce the notion that there was something specifically wrong with me, which is regrettable, as I had gotten quite far in chipping away at this deep-rooted premise (which is so deeply rooted that even now the distorted suspicion that J.'s retraction of her earlier claim might have been an act of pity drifts around my mind). I am still shaken by this revelation that a significant part of my behaviour and thought processes over the past year has been predicated upon a falsehood, especially as it is one that I had in fact seen through already, but which I subsequently re-incorporated into my world view. Once again, everything seems to have changed. My journey towards becoming a practitioner of the erotic, which was stopped so soon after it had begun, can now resume. I am afraid, but the choice of remaining in the comfort of ignorance is not available. posted by grover | Sunday, November 09, 2003 Friday, November 07, 2003   During a quite lengthy telephone conversation, J. told me that I was "full of beans", and that she would "have to put me down". posted by grover | Friday, November 07, 2003		links my life in prose contact archives