A Journal Of Little Consequence Based on a true story.

Monday, January 19, 2004   I was advised to go to a pornographic cinema as part of my programme of self-development. posted by grover | Monday, January 19, 2004 Monday, January 12, 2004   I felt lonely and frustrated. What was I thinking, asking Z. to meet with me? What would we talk about? I called J. to ask her advice. Perhaps she could lift me out of my malaise. My expectations dropped as soon as she answered the telephone using my name. This is generally indicates that she is in a bad mood. I could practically see the pursing of her lips. I didn't even attempt to bring up how I was feeling. However, a sense of relief came over me that was greater than any that she could have provided. I really didn't J. to help me deal with my problems at all. When I felt that there was the possibility that she could help, I used it as an excuse to wallow in negativity. Once that possibility was taken away, I snapped out of it, and clarity ensued. posted by grover | Monday, January 12, 2004 Sunday, January 11, 2004   In the small hours of the morning I had a semi-waking dream in which Z. was participating in some sort of group dance, and actually performing rather well. I was watching impressed from the sidelines. At some point everyone was required to write the name of someone that they were attracted to on a slip of paper and place it in a hat (which does not make any sense, but this was a dream). Mutual matches would be revealed, and of course this came out in my favour, with Z. having written down my name and vice versa. It doesn't take Sigmund Freud to work out that this had something to do with my anxieties about relating to people in general, and women in particular. When I was fully awake, I decided that the dream was an indicator that I should face my fears and call Z. I soon changed my mind, and concluded instead that I wasn't obligated to do anything I didn't wish to. Nonetheless, after making several calls to other people, I decided that I would quite like to speak to her after all. Feeling overly self-conscious as usual, I thought that I had better prepare some material to talk about, such as witty replies to common questions. This approach had worked for me in the past, but when I did eventually call, I didn't feel the need to employ any of my premeditated answers, and the conversation flowed well. Afterwards, I thought about how much better it was to be relaxed and spontaneous, but then realised that having something to fall back on may have helped my confidence in this case. I will see about eliminating the need for this kind of safety net. posted by grover | Sunday, January 11, 2004 Thursday, January 01, 2004   A Happy New Year to all! posted by grover | Thursday, January 01, 2004		links my life in prose contact archives